By Kelly Youngblood
We were at a baseball tournament for our oldest son in a town a few hours away from home. My middle son, who is 8 years old, was playing nearby at the playground while we watched the baseball game.
I’d look over frequently to make sure I saw him playing and then I’d go back to watching the game. But then I looked over and I didn’t see him anymore.
I didn’t panic right away. I told myself he hadn’t gone far, no big deal.
But about 10 minutes later, when I still couldn’t find him, I was in full-blown panic mode. I had flagged down people working at the tournament, described his height, hair color, what he was wearing and suddenly we were all looking for my “missing” son.
My heart was pounding and my mind was racing — straight to the worst-case scenario.
Some stranger had lured him away and I’ll never see him again.
I looked around and for the first time noticed the entire baseball park was surrounded by woods. My panic reached a new high.
I was on the verge of throwing up or passing out when my husband walked over with our son who was unharmed, unscathed, and unaware we were all completely freaking out. He had just walked back to the bathroom and was apparently oblivious to the search-and-rescue team I had assembled in minutes.
For parents, moments like those are the worst. Whether it’s at a store, park, or in your own neighborhood, losing sight of your child for just a few seconds can be terrifying.
While the thought of my child being kidnapped stirs up all sorts of primal fears, the reality is child abductions by strangers are quite rare.
Some statistics claim only about 100 children (a fraction of one percent) are kidnapped by strangers each year and about half of those children come home.
And yet, we still irrationally fear strangers and tell our children they should do the same.
“Never talk to strangers,” is the advice we’ve all heard growing up and one we’ve likely passed on to our own children as well.
But that advice could actually backfire in certain situations.
If my son had indeed gotten lost that day at the baseball game, and I had told him to never talk to strangers, whom could he have gone to for help? Nearly everyone there was a stranger to him.
The Child Rescue Network says the idea of stranger danger is a “national tragedy” and the concept is flawed in every way. For one reason, most children (more than 90 percent) know their abuser or abductor. Second, the fear-based message may also make children afraid of strangers, which could make a child an even bigger target for a predator.
So what do we tell our kids about strangers? How do we equip them to handle a scary situation with a stranger?
Champaign Police deputy chief Joe Gallo says parents should definitely talk to their children about how to deal with strangers but they should avoid sending the message that all strangers are bad or dangerous.
“Certainly there needs to be some balance in the conversation so a child isn’t scared to death of every person they meet,” Gallo said. “But, with no (parent) supervision, understanding they can’t trust every adult they see.”
Basically, you don’t want your child to associate all strangers as dangerous because that belief could prevent your child from asking for help or finding a safe place in a scary situation.
The National Crime Prevention Council encourages parents to talk to kids about the differences between suspicious strangers and strangers kids can trust. Firefighters, police officers, teachers, and store clerks are considered safe strangers.
Strangers who approach a child and ask them to disobey their parents, go somewhere with them, keep a secret, or ask for their help should raise some flags.
Gallo said in the 22 years he has worked for Champaign police, there hasn’t been a stranger abduction. However, that doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t talk to their children about what to do if they get lost or a stranger approaches them.
“Having the conversation with your child when they’re old enough is certainly recommended to be aware of strangers,” Gallo said. “But as far as staying up and worrying about it at night, I don’t see it as being an appropriate response.”
Here are a few safety tips from The Child Rescue Network to share with your children:
- Have a family code word that only you and your family know. If someone is sent to pick you up, they must know the code word.
- Don’t wear clothes or carry a backpack with your name on the outside where everyone can see it.
- Learn how to escape. If someone wants you to get in his or her car and they don’t know the code word, run in the opposite direction that the car is pointing. Even if the person has a gun or a knife, run.
- Adults don’t need a child’s help. If an adult asks for your help, they may be trying to trick you into going with them. Some tricks they use are, “I’m lost, can you give me directions?” or “I’ve lost my puppy (or kitten). Can you help me find him?” The answer when any adult, whether you know them or not, asks you to do something should always be, “I have to check first.”