By Bethany Parker
So here we are. The moving truck is unloaded, the majority of boxes unpacked and everything we own is now in one house.
My clothing is crammed into one normal closet when just 10 days ago, I had my run of the world’s largest walk-in closet. Two kitchens worth of frying pans, spatulas and favorite drinking glasses crowded into one space, all vying for supremacy. Six of us at the dinner table where there used to be four – two from the other perspective. Today, mail with a yellow forwarded sticker arrived in the mailbox with my name on it. Two cars in the driveway. Four kids sharing a bathroom. Two adults eyeballing each other over dinner. Dirty laundry five feet deep in front of the washing machine. I haven’t been here in five years, he in seven. It’s here, but it’s not entirely real yet.
We’ve tried to be as proactive and as smart about this as possible. We’ve had what you might call “professional counsel” for nearly a year now, and what a help that’s been. Putting two entirely separate families together is no small task and even though we’ve been in each other’s lives for nearly four years now, this changes the game considerably. I’m not going home after the long weekend anymore, he’s not alone in his living room five nights a week and there’s no way to hide anything. It’s all here now – the things we do and don’t like about each other, each other’s kids, our different bedtimes (he’s a night owl and I’m … not), how we handle housework and yardwork and juggling custody and visitation schedules for our children. If things were complicated before, it’s just been ratcheted up 10 notches. I’m going to need a much, much larger dry erase board!
So now the real work begins. For all my bluster and complaining about doing so, I’m quite good at the logistics of things like moving, organizing and planning. And as a team, he and I are darn near unstoppable in this area. Now though, that part of the deal is over and the things we are not as good at, not as comfortable with, those things that have impatiently waited their turn, are now breathing down my neck.
The long ongoing dance where we learn how to continue being a couple in this new format without losing what made us an “us” in the first place. Truly, I’m nervous. I know he’s nervous. Nothing is perfect and I know it won’t be painless or without its share of darkness. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed that some of the unpleasant things that threaten to cloud our relationship and family will continue to follow us through time. That’s just part of the process, I’m told. And we’ve been together long enough to know that we’re not invincible (although it was fun believing that for the first year or more). And the knowledge that there are things hiding in the shadows and around distant corners that could take us out with one shot if we’re not prepared is more than sobering.
So this weekend we set up the trampoline in the backyard, try to organize the garage so at least one of us can park in there again and continue the merge. I can’t wait to see what we will look like on Monday.
Bethany Parker, a frequent contributor to Chambanamoms.com, is mom to the three wilds who, despite all of their recent growing up, still manage to leave Legos where she steps on them barefoot, marbles in their pants pockets and various food wrappers on the floor of the car.