by Erin Knowles
There isn’t much one can do to relieve the anticipation, nervousness, and excitement during an expedited adoption journey. Much-needed answers, despite people’s best efforts, don’t come quickly enough (or at all). You are at the mercy of a system so much bigger than you expected, and the pace at which things happen can be maddening. And when the red-taped monster of bureaucracy drops potential barriers between you and your child, emotions run hot and rationality is not always clear.
It is in this mental space that I found myself standing in line in a local mall (in Lafayette, IN) at Auntie Anne’s. We went to the mall in an attempt to find an escape from our rattled minds, and instead, were bombarded with all the things one could potentially purchase in starting their family: adorable onesies, mobiles, soft blankets, and the list goes on. It’s amazing how you don’t notice what’s all around you until your lives are dramatically altered and then all of the sudden you see the world from an entirely different perspective.
We were trying not to be enticed to buy these “firsts”, as we knew that nothing is official until it’s official. How far do we allow our hearts to go down this glorious rabbit hole when, as quickly as it came, it could all be taken away?
Whether you initiate the adoption process by contacting an attorney or go through an adoption agency (or become a family in any myriad of ways), one of the most important procedural steps all adoptive parents have to go through is a home study.
A home study consists of multiple in-home interviews (both pre- and post-placement), reference and background checks (nothing like driving up to Chicago in the blinding snow to be fingerprinted!), as well as many hours of education and counseling. The home study becomes the foundation of an extensive report that is provided to the courts to ensure that a “stable environment exists” prior to an adoptive placement.
In Illinois, this process is actually the same as the one to become a certified foster parent, which means, as a result, you also become a mandated reporter. As if the stress and magnitude of the situation were not enough, becoming a mandated reporter sent my anxiety to another level.
So, it was while I was waiting in line, at 10:30 in the morning, at that Auntie Anne’s to try and feed the fear in my heart, I noticed this woman with her three kids: a baby in a stroller, a son about three, and a daughter about six. They were waiting for someone or something, I’m not really sure what. But the six-year-old daughter was skipping in circles around her family, hanging on her mom, and basically doing anything for some measure (any, it seemed!) of attention. What she really wanted was a pretzel: after all, she was mere feet from the treats and the smell was overpowering.
Between the daughter begging, and the son running every which way, the mother just lost it. She started yelling at her daughter, berating her for wanting something as “stupid” as a pretzel, and wondered why she couldn’t act like a “normal child”. She would yank her son back to her side, and as the girl would reach her arms up for some semblance of affection, the mother would just swat her away, and turn her back.
With tears filling my eyes, I reached for my phone in my pocket, and texted Cari, “Where is the line on a reportable offense as a mandated reporter, and does mall security handle those kinds of reports?”
Yes, I almost called mall security; I almost called MALL security on a woman who, after having two kids of our own, I can now look back on and see that she was just having a really, really bad day.
My heart skipped a beat every time our phones rang; I saw reportable offenses everywhere (a dad said no to his son’s request for ice cream before dinner…POLICE!); I read every book I could about how to care for a newborn (I have to put a thermometer WHERE!?!?); we “faux” shopped for baby clothes and necessities; but I forbade my heart from believing we would actually get to have one. Believing it might actually happen, that we might actually, truly, be starting our family and taking this next step, became this cyclical path of love, excitement, heart-warming, turning to heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, fearful thoughts of greed and guilt.
I had so many emotions running through me, that I had no clue how I should feel. Happy? Excited? Cautious? Fearful? As soon as I would allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe this would all work out, I would be snapped back to this place of “Don’t be ridiculous: This is a narrow tightrope you’re walking on, if you get too greedy it will all be taken away.”
With my heart in my throat, my phone beeped indicating Cari’s response.
“Erin, relax. It will all be ok. xo”
And with that, I placed my order, and as I turned around, I watched that family walk away towards their next journey, as I headed the opposite direction towards ours.
Erin Knowles made the leap from full-time employment to work-at-home entrepreneur. While her business is lifestyle photography, she is an artist who holds a camera. Erin is also active in the community, serving on the Orpheum Children’s Science Museum Board of Directors as well as being involved in the UP Center of Champaign County. Erin and her partner of 18 years, Cari, are parents to Henry (5) and Millie (3), who never cease to make life interesting. Her favorite quote from the week comes from her son to Cari: “Mommy, even if there was a better mom out there I wouldn’t want her because you cook the BEST food!”