by Erin Knowles
Dear Andrea*: Where We Write One of the Most Important Letters We Will Ever Send
One of the first things you need to do,” Ellyn told us as we were sitting in her office that fateful Friday, “is to write Andrea* a letter introducing yourselves, and letting her know a little about the two of you. And you need to do it as quickly as possible.”
That evening we found ourselves sitting in our car in a post office parking lot, with clouds lining the sky and drops of rain tapping the roof above our heads. Using the dashboard as a desk, Cari opened the letter, providing a brief overview of our history together, our hopes and dreams, and how we were eager to start a family. She then went on to describe a little about her family history, education, background, and why she was ready to become a mother. I just sat in the driver’s seat, staring blankly through the rain drops forming on the windshield, wondering what in the world could I say to the woman who might forever change our lives?
Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique. Adoption is no different. We know friends who received a call one night and a few hours later were holding their newborn baby girl. Others went through the long, arduous process of creating scrapbooks, detailed family histories, complete with photos showcasing a happy, balanced life; basically a beautifully-packaged manuscript of their lives, far more in-depth than our 2-3 page letter. How can I express how excited, how grateful for this opportunity we are; how do I boil down in a few sentences why we are the ones to take this journey together with her, the birthmother, when I can barely order my coffee in fewer than 50 words?
The “Dear Birthmother letter” carries so much weight in an open adoption, similar to a resume and cover letter for a job interview. Potential adoptive parents pour their hearts and souls into these letters, and sometimes one little thing (you might not even know what) can knock them out of the running. It’s a delicate balance of how much to share, how eager to appear, when your heart is both bursting with excitement and also experiencing the most soul-baring fear one can feel. You write your story and give it wings to fly, sending it out into the world with hope beyond all hope that it is enough; that YOU are enough. There are not many more personal journeys an individual or couple can go on than trying to create a family.
It’s all (or mostly) in the hands of the person on the other end of that letter to decide, essentially, your future. But it’s not just your future, it is the child’s future, the birthmother’s (and in many instances birthfather’s) future too: WE SHOULD NEVER, EVER FORGET THIS. As difficult and emotional as it is to put into words why you’re the right family to adopt this baby, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like on the other end of that letter.
“Dear Andrea,”
…..
* To ensure privacy, our children’s birthmother’s name has been changed.
Erin Knowles made the leap from full-time employment to work-at-home entrepreneur. While her business is lifestyle photography, she is an artist who holds a camera. Erin is also active in the community, serving on the Orpheum Children’s Science Museum Board of Directors as well as being involved in the UP Center of Champaign County. Erin and her partner of 18 years, Cari, are parents to Henry (5) and Millie (3), who never cease to make life interesting. Her favorite quote from the week comes from her son to Cari: “Mommy, even if there was a better mom out there I wouldn’t want her because you cook the BEST food!”