Editor’s Note: Lori wrote this yesterday, and we felt it was powerful enough to share with you today.
by Lori Rogers
It is Mother’s Day. After a lovely sleep in (8 a.m.), my husband made French toast, I got an uninterrupted shower when everyone was awake, put on my best Doctor Who shirt and holey sweatpants, then headed out to get a manicure and pedicure. The husband doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sneaking to the store sans kids, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.
I feel conflicted about Mother’s Day. While it may be a celebratory day for some, it also means sadness for others. Today is a day when some women reflect on a life they don’t have, whether it be because of a loss of a child or the inability to have children for one reason or another. And while I totally enjoy my manicure-pedicure, it’s hard for me to “get into” today.
For the most part and within a certain amount of reason, parenthood is a choice. While it seems like a miracle, it is simply the union of a sperm and an egg that makes someone a parent; and while parents get frustrated with their kids, are inconvenienced by kids, and need breaks from them, that act of reproduction was their choice. Mother’s Day should not necessarily be about praising someone for simply having sex, getting pregnant and giving birth. There are woman in the world who have never given birth and have provided more love and care to a little human being than someone who has given birth. This day should be for the women in the world who have provided such love, affection and care.
Being a caregiver of children is hard work. Don’t let anyone fool you about that! I sit here in my little pedi heaven reflecting on the job I am doing with my own two kids. Am I giving them confidence, love, assurance, discipline, and structure? Do I play with them enough? Do I yell at them too much? Do I say I love you enough? Do I expect too much or not enough from them? Will I ever be enough? Where is that parenting manual that I was supposed to get?
What am I trying to say here? Mother’s Day is complicated. Be mindful that wishing someone a “Happy Mother’s Day” is not the same as wishing someone a “Happy Birthday” or “Season’s Greetings”. For some, today is a day of sadness. For others, joy. Some people miss their mothers who are no longer alive. Some think of the childhood that was not ideal. Some are missing their children who are no longer alive. Others are worrying that they will never find someone who will allow them to celebrate this day as a “mother”. And some are wondering if they are even deserving of such a celebration.
Just remember to do the best you can to provide love to the little ones, whether you are their biological parent, adoptive parent, caregiver, friend, or teacher. You don’t need the title of “mother” to make a difference in the lives of children; and your work will not go unnoticed.
Lori Rogers is mom to Jack and Eleanor. She has lived in the Champaign-Urbana area since 2001 with her husband, Nick.