By Angela Patton
We all know that teen girls can generate some big drama. While it can be frustrating and even painful to watch them navigate the rocky years as they individuate and stretch their wings, it is even more difficult if you find yourself going head to head with them.
As parents we are supposed to “pick our battles” so we don’t get into negative interactions over things that in the big picture don’t really matter. But you may find yourself shaking your head wondering, “How in the world did we end up arguing about peanut butter?”
Yep, peanut butter. Creamy or crunchy? That was the story Amiee* brought to therapy as she told me how her mom tried to control everything in her life, even whether she should eat creamy or crunchy peanut butter.
Carol,* Amiee’s mom, tells a different version:
Amiee was late getting out the door for school. I yelled up at her to ask if she wanted me to make her a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and as I was just getting the words out, she flew down the stairs screaming that she didn’t have time to wait.
I told her that I could have it done in two minutes and to just hold on. She proceeded to tell me that she didn’t want one because she hated the creamy peanut butter that I’d bought. I know I should have just dropped it right there, but instead I engaged in a back-and-forth rant about how she’d always loved the creamy peanut butter before and that this was the first I knew of her crunchy preference.
Apparently this was the last straw to prove that I never paid attention to what she said, which of course ticked me off because I felt I was just trying to do her a favor to begin with. It’s not like I’m obligated to make sandwiches for a teenager who oversleeps.
Carol told me how, even though her tale felt almost laughable, it wasn’t laughable when it was happening day in day out … over how much cleavage to show, when she could be texting, how to get her math grade up … and the list goes on.
As a therapist, teacher and mother of a teenager daughter myself I can attest to the fact that you have to be strategic when you communicate with hormonally challenged teen girls.
In therapy I see that even mother/daughter relationships that have a healthy foundation can go astray when girls hit the tweens and teens. I know that boys can be difficult too, but research actually shows that mother and daughters have more conflict — and their fights last twice as long.
Do you and your daughter need therapy or is there another solution?
I found these five tips from the excellent book — Getting To Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies For Parenting Tweens And Teens by Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D. and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., to be really valuable in helping me and my clients. Warning: They do take practice.
1. Listen, empathize, and confirm their feelings. A genuine and sincere tone is critical. If we’re hovering or pandering (“I hear your feelings”), it can set the teen off. Instead, try a heartfelt comment like, “Wow, this sounds like a real struggle.”
2. Admit you can’t solve their problem. When someone is very upset, we’re all tempted to try to solve the problem with our good advice. Unfortunately, this can come across as minimizing or patronizing, and can escalate the conflict. Instead, try something that pulls you away from their complaining cycle such as, “I’d love nothing more than to come up with a brilliant solution that satisfies both of us, honey, but I don’t seem to be able to find one.”
3. Express your faith in their ability to figure it out. Our adolescents look to us as mirrors reflecting our reassurance that they can handle their situation. If we show anxiety, frustration, anger, or resentment, we’re not inspiring confidence in their own ability to work through the upset. Depending on the situation, a parent might say, “Look, I know you want me to fix this, but I guess I’ll have to let you be mad at me. In the meantime, I really do trust that you can come up with a solution.”
4. Move away without being rejecting. In preparation for your exit, make a comment that breaks the spell but still keeps you connected. The phrase, “I’ll go make some tea for us” is a metaphor for any nurturing statement that shows support and implies, “I’m not abandoning you.” It could be something like, “I hope you’re doing OK with this. Let’s talk again in an hour and see where you are.”
5. Check back in to prove that you care and are still with them. After some time has passed, we can offer some kind of nurturance such as a back rub or hot chocolate. Nonetheless, don’t expect the teen to be happy and completely over it, since resentment and frustration are likely to linger. If the tornado has lost high velocity and dwindled into mere blusters, this is a major achievement!
I’d love to hear your experiences in remembering your own teen years, or those with your daughters.
*Carol and Amiee’s names have been changed
Angela Patton, MA, LPC, is a therapist with Kevin Elliott Counseling.