By Rachael McMillan
I’m going to get a little bit after-school-special-ish on you for a moment.
I’ve been noticing something lately—or at least, I think I have: the formation of cliques among my female counterparts.
Let me back up a bit. I moved to Champaign in 1999, and ever since then I’ve mostly felt like a round peg in a round hole—I fit in. What’s more, this seems like a place where most people fit in and are welcomed.
Recently, however, I’ve had a few experiences that contradict that impression. They remind me of being an adolescent who listened to a lot of Weird Al (I still think that guy’s awesome) and read MAD magazine.
I debated long with myself about whether or not to put this topic out there. I’m reluctant to fall down the rabbit hole of negativity, and there certainly could be other explanations for what I think I’m noticing.
And, just to be clear on what I’m not talking about, I’m not looking for every gal I meet to instantly become my new BFF. I also don’t expect a group of closely knit friends to let me into their fold. And, if my kid doesn’t get an invite to another kid’s birthday party, I’m much more likely to chalk it up to a crowd control decision on the parents’ part than to an intentional snubbing.
There have been those other times, though, when someone’s behavior seems to send the message: “You matter…less.”
I must say, the snubbing experiences have been rare. I have had BY FAR more positive interactions with the ladies/mommas in this town than negative ones. So much that–again–I wondered if I was imagining things.
But, when I ran the idea by chambanamoms editor Laura, she was quick to second my impression. “Sometimes, it feels like we’re back in high school,” she said.
So…what? Why am I writing about this?
Here’s the thing: I’m NOT an adolescent anymore, and I am truly incapable of caring about whether or not I measure up in someone else’s eyes. Having said that, encountering the “Sorry, you’re not really our sort” attitude in others still stings.
It’s kind of like being shot with a tiny poisoned dart. When the poison spreads, it brings negativity towards others—the perceived judgers, to be exact.
I’m not willing to feel that way. And, to a large extent, I can deflect those little poisoned arrows myself. It would be nice, though, if that wasn’t necessary.
And, come to think of it, why am I noticing this behavior now, as opposed to during any of the other 11-plus years I’ve been in town?
My husband’s theory is that it has to do with having school-aged children. Perhaps those junior-high social structures lie dormant in moms until our own children enter school and have to figure out their places in the coolness hierarchy. Maybe that’s when we, as moms, fall back into our old tendencies toward seeking out friends from the upper crust. Most likely it’s not done on a conscious level, and probably as a way to somehow protect our kids.
Here’s why my brood is doomed: I’m not the mom who has stylish accessories. I’m the mom who makes balloon animals.
Didn’t Tina Fey, patron saint of geeky gals everywhere, finally smash the ceiling on this one? Maybe not.
There is one other thing to consider: the Romy & Michelle principle, aka “We All Make Someone Else’s Life Hell.” I’m calling out others for pulling a superiority act, but do I do that myself? Are there certain ladies I don’t want to associate with? Maybe I have no right to get all sanctimonious up in this piece.
I don’t want to go on and on. And, I really don’t want to start a big, negative thing.
Let me just say, though, that if you’re new to this area and you’ve encountered clique-ish behavior, PLEASE don’t chalk it up to living here. It’s a great place, and people are warm and welcoming most of the time.
This is also a call to all moms—absolutely including myself—to be a little more accepting. We can teach our kids, by example, to care less about being cool than about being cool to each other.
Rachael McMillan is a former high school teacher, social worker, cake decorator, and just about any other profession you can think of do-er. In addition to writing, tutoring, and giving talks about fair trade, she is currently staying home with the highly entertaining Jack and Kate.