by The Wannabe Mom
Every spring for the past six years—right around Mother’s Day–I throw seeds into our backyard and I wait. I wait and I wait and I wait for those tiny green buds to sprout out of our black earth.
Bright and early Sunday morning we sat in the parking lot of our local home improvement store before they unlocked the doors. It was time to turn our doing dials up a notch–time to plant my garden and get my green garden clogs good and muddy.
I sipped hot coffee from a to-go cup, resting my head against the window.
I closed my eyes. And something happened.
I changed my mind.
I think I’m going to buy those herbs already growing in little pots. I need to know they’re going to make it–right away—right when I transfer them to our soil. I need to see the green stems and leaves now, today. I’m done waiting.
My hubby—who just gets it—smiled and nodded his head in agreement.
Basil, chives, cilantro, dill, mint, oregano, parsley, rosemary, sage and thyme. This year they’re growing in colorful pots right outside our back door. Green and thriving and lovely.
And what do you know–the cilantro’s already ready to be braided into crown.
I’m done waiting.
* * *
My toes. My poor little toes.
They’re black and blue and blistered and really sore right now. I think I may lose one of my pretty little toenails too.
But I am a winner.
I finished my race this past weekend. I ran the entire way and wiped away a few happy tears before anyone could see them—just after crossing the finish line.
I’m so damn proud of myself. A few months ago I was weak and battered. Beaten down. But I wanted to make a comeback. And I did.
I am going to continue running. It’s good for my soul. I like the way it makes me feel. Strong and proud.
I deserve to feel that way.
* * *
Some days completely change your life.
I suppose—if you’re lucky–when you’re old and gray you’ll look back and realize which days those were. You’ll realize how they changed you and transformed you into the person you became. You’ll realize which moments made your precious life veer down a new path—in the direction it’s meant to veer.
I had one of those life-changing days last Friday. And I’m so very lucky to have realized it right then and there.
I met with a stranger who reached out to me through this blog and then through another social network. She’s a mother of two boys. One she birthed and one she adopted.
She and I shared coffee, tea and stories. We shared laughter and tears. She told me anything and everything I’ve always wanted to know about adoption, but never knew who–or how–to ask.
She told me, If we want a baby, we will have a baby. Our baby will find its way to us. We will hold that newborn, and we will know.
Something about those words of hers changed me. They moved me. They transformed me.
I’m already a Mama. My baby just hasn’t found me yet.
I felt peace.
And I knew—right then—my precious life was veering down a new path–in the direction it’s meant to veer.
I have hope. Lots of it this Mother’s Day.
* * *
It’s OK to change your mind. To give up the wait.
It’s OK to make a comeback. To feel strong and proud. And to realize you deserve to feel that way.
It’s ok to let your life happen. To let yourself veer down a new path in a new direction. And to have lots of hope your new path is taking you where you’re meant to go.
I’m veering, baby.
I’m very aware of the way our precious lives are changing. I’m becoming the person I’m meant to be–the mother I’m meant to be.
I’m running in a new direction. Running fast with a soul that’s healing and toes that are well on their way.
Here—please hold my cilantro crown.
* * *
As you may have heard, I’m taking a little break from writing these next few months. So enjoy your summer, dear friends.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. Especially my Mama.
And to my new friend, Lisa. Thank you for the peace, hope and love.