by The Wannabe Mom
I think Kate Bush wrote it best—and Maxwell sang it best.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
. . .
Drugs–both pills and suppositories. Countless injections. Sonograms. Two trips back and forth to Indy. Two fairly invasive procedures—one involving full anesthesia. Calls from nurses with good news—and bad news. Blood draws. Pregnancy tests.
The waiting and constant worry.
These are not the hardest parts of IVF.
The hardest part of IVF is realizing you are that woman who crumbles when her hard work fails her.
Here is a link to the post I wrote at the beginning of this week. We were pregnant—with good hormone levels and a glimmer of hope.
Tiny waves of excitement that are fragile and fleeting. Were they ever.
The nurse called Wednesday to let me know my BETA blood tests showed my HCG levels had dropped since Monday. She told me to stop my progesterone suppositories — and let it go.
Let it go…
I crumbled — crying until I couldn’t cry anymore.
Now what?
I’m taking it minute by minute. Miscarrying the one or two babies who tried to make this woman’s hard work worthwhile.
I’m sad and I’m defeated. And I don’t have much to say.
I’m sure I have a little life in me yet. I’m sure I have a lot of strength left. So this woman’s work—it’s not done.
But—right now–I can’t even begin to wrap my ahead around trying again.