by The Wannabe Mom
She and I were friends in grade school. As the years passed, we grew apart. She ran with a different crowd in high school and experimented with things that terrified me — alcohol, drugs, older boys.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in years. A year ago, she requested to be my friend on Facebook. I accepted.
She complains about her job at least three times each week. It seems her “case of the Mondays” lasts until she has a cocktail — or 10 — at Happy Hour on Friday.
She often drinks to excess and posts all about it, apologizing for her drunken, late-night status updates once she sobers up the next morning.
She posts topless photos from a wild weekend in Vegas sans husband. She comments on the size of her nipples in the photos. I swear, I could not make this stuff up.
Shortly after that, she separates from her husband and changes the relationship status on her profile from married to single.
Last week she announces her GrEaT NeWs!! Yes, she typed it like that. Groan.
She’s pregnant and shocked to have JUST found out. She’s almost into her second trimester. Eleven weeks along, and she just now takes a home pregnancy test?!
ArE YoU FrEaKiNg KiDdInG mE?!?!
As I read her status update, my heart stops. I suck all the oxygen out of the room. I hold it high and tight in my chest. My cheeks sting — burn — from that slap across the face.
Facebook Status Update: Wannabemom…sees red and green.
I have been trying for months to make a baby. I have been trying for months to create my own little happy family. I’ve done all the appropriate leg-work. I have a strong marriage. I have a loving home with three empty bedrooms just waiting to be filled with babies. I have a great career with good job security and flexible hours.
I am worthy of a child. Why not me?
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m jealous. I. am. ugly.
Facebook Status Update: Wannabemom…beats herself up.
What is wrong with me? A spouse, a house, a job? Where do I get off thinking that leg-work makes me more worthy of motherhood? I am no better than her or any other expectant mother. She deserves every bit of happiness this child will bring. How dare I question anyone’s worthiness to parent?
Facebook Status Update: Wannabemom…needs to get a grip! Jeez.
To say that infertility has been tough on me is an understatement. It’s made me a better person though. I think I’m more understanding and more sympathetic and more empathetic.
I still have my moments. There are times when I sit in the lab at the hospital surrounded by a dozen pregnant teens and their annoying ring-tones. I get weak and judgmental. I want to scream, come unglued. But I don’t.
There are other times when I see someone flaunting their cute baby-bump and I want to run home to bed, bury my barren-self in blankets and never come out. But I don’t.
And there are times when an old friend announces her pregnancy on Facebook and I want to get all holier-than-thou. Then I catch myself.
I inhale and exhale. I write, “Congrats! GREAT news! I’m so happy for you!” on her Facebook Wall. I really mean it. Sincerely.
My green-with-envy eyes change back to brown. I keep moving forward.
What goes around comes around. Someday, I will be pregnant. When it happens I plan to shout it from the rooftops, and I don’t want any negativity thrown my way or posted on my Wall. Until then, I will spend more time trying to keep calm and carry on, with cool cheeks and an even cooler Facebook status.
The Wannabe Mom has been trying to conceive for more than a year and was recently diagnosed with unexplained infertility. She and her husband live and work in Champaign, and they desperately want to drive a Toyota Sienna minivan someday. We’ll be following her journey, so buckle up and get ready to cry with her — and cheer her on, too.