by The Wannabe Mom
I pass a church on my way to work each morning. The church has a sign on its front lawn with messages that change each week.
This week’s message was: A woman of noble character is blessed by children. I think they are paraphrasing Proverbs 31: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
During college, I went astray. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I thought I had my life under control. I didn’t need any help from anyone. I didn’t need my faith. And, I made some choices that were anything but noble.
After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility this past year, I surrendered myself to my higher power. I realized I didn’t have it all under control. I needed a little help. I needed a little faith. I started going to church and praying again.
During Lent, I even went to confession (gasp!). I wanted the priest to cleanse me of all my past indiscretions. And, believe me—I had some doozies. I hoped by repenting those sins my higher power would bless us with a child.
Nothing yet. So, I must still be on his list.
Does a higher power or the cosmic universe treat us with quid pro quo? Good deeds = blessings. Bad deeds = punishments. Is it true that what goes around comes around? And, when that bad Karma comes back around does it bite you in the butt—or the ovaries?
I have girlfriends who are incredible women of very noble character and they can’t have children. I also have girlfriends whose husbands and children do anything BUT bless and praise them. Are these women being punished for questionable character? I think not.
I remember when a good friend of mine’s daughter was diagnosed with a life-threatening health condition. She met a group of us right after the doctor had crushed them with the news.
As soon as she walked through the door, she said through tears, “I must have done something really bad.”
Wowzers.
Of course that wasn’t the case, but I think it’s human nature to blame ourselves—or our past transgressions–for things not going the way we think they should. Could my cheating on that psychology exam years ago be the cause of my barren belly?
Maybe we should be more accepting of the notion that life happens as it is supposed to happen. We should live and learn—especially from our mistakes. We should be a little easier on ourselves. And, we should accept the idea that whatever is happening to us—may not be a punishment for bad deeds. It may actually be a blessing for the good ones.
Maybe I’ll look back at our struggle through infertility and appreciate this punishment/challenge/lesson/hidden blessing. Maybe I’ll realize everything worked out A-OK in the end.
I really go back and forth on this topic. I could argue it—until I’m blue in the face– both ways. I’m just throwing the idea out there. I’m also making a habit of throwing some good deeds out there. Just in case there is such a thing as Karma–I’m paying it forward.
This morning I paid for everyone behind me in-line at the coffee shop. I told the Barista to let them know a woman of noble character (ha!) wants them to have a great day. I hope those folks–all hopped up on caffeine–keep spreading good deeds. If I’m lucky, maybe some blessings will come back around to me.
The Wannabe Mom has been trying to conceive for more than a year and was recently diagnosed with unexplained infertility. She and her husband live and work in Champaign, and they desperately want to drive a Toyota Sienna minivan someday. We’ll be following her journey, so buckle up and get ready to cry with her — and cheer her on, too.